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Watching the Gilmore Girls

watching the Gilmore Girls

For most of the last year my daughter and I have been watching the Gilmore Girls, and last week we started the final season. Of course we’re excited about the new episodes slated to air later this year on Netflix, but we’re sad about reaching the end of something that has become an important part of our mother-daughter conversation. We have already started planning how and when we’ll watch the last episode, and if you’re a fan of the show you’ll understand why we’re also planning our menu. It is sure to be a bittersweet event.

We watch one or two episodes each week, often over dinner. I was never a fan of watching TV during meals, but the Gilmore Girls as well as where we both are in our lives have changed my opinion. By the time we arrive home from our respective long days we’re tired, and usually both of us have work waiting for us after we eat. This is a nice way for us to decompress, but another benefit has been how it has opened the door to many subjects that have value for both of us.

As individuals we’re not like Rory and Lorelei, but as a mother and daughter trying to navigate life when it sometimes feels like the two of us against the world, we have a lot in common. We’ve watched Rory grow up from a bookish and serious fifteen year old to a strong and confident senior at Yale. We’ve seen both she and her mom handle and mishandle relationships and situations, and each time we get another opportunity to talk about what went wrong, and how we might make that same mistake, or what other (better) choices we’d make.

Years (and years) of therapy have taught me the value of verbalizing problems and expressing them out loud as the most effective way to unravel them and reach some clarity. My daughter doesn’t share my perspective, and though she’ll endure the occasional emotional conversation (and reluctantly concede that it helped) she would mostly “rather not talk about it”. When we can start the conversation with one or both of the Gilmore Girls as the subject it’s often a shortcut to what she may really need to talk about.

One of my strongest beliefs about parenthood is that my primary role is to help my child become the best and truest version of herself she can be. To accomplish this (or even to attempt it) means I must pay attention and listen to her, and fight my impulse to impose my notions about what I want her to do or be. As we watch Rory and Lorelei experience Rory’s adolescence and early adulthood it gives us a context to broach new territory. Lorelei isn’t my role model as a parent, but I am doing everything I know how to do, and guessing at the rest in my desire to build (and nurture) the kind of bond Rory and Lorelei share.

What I love about Lorelei is how deeply flawed she is, as a friend, daughter, mother, and girlfriend. Like me, she can’t seem to quite get it right.  Daughters need flawed and bumbling mothers; who else can show them what it means to keep on trying? My daughter needs to see me screw up and fall down so she can see me apologize, make amends, and stand back up. She needs to hear me talk about my failures as much as my successes; she needs to see my humanity to learn to embrace her own. She needs to know strength isn’t in perfection, but in perseverance, and if anyone perseveres it’s Lorelei Gilmore (and me).

We’re currently shopping around for a new show to replace Gilmore Girls, though nothing truly will. We’d like to find something with many seasons. I had considered Castle (my sister and her daughter loved this) but can’t find the older shows. I have a feeling that when we finally choose something it won’t have the same meaning for us as watching the Gilmore Girls has. I think we’ll have to content ourselves with the four upcoming Netflix episodes. I am open to suggestions.

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  • April 20, 2016 - 1:48 pm

    Rowan - I thiiiiiink Amazon Prime may have all the old Castle episodes? It for sure won’t start conversations like this, but I do love me some Castle.ReplyCancel

    • April 20, 2016 - 2:27 pm

      nrlowell@comcast.net - Rowan, I checked Amazon and they don’t… ThanksReplyCancel

  • April 20, 2016 - 8:44 pm

    Cyn K - Since I haven’t watched “Gilmore Girls,” I’m not sure what to recommend. It has stopped me from thinking about possibilities all afternoon.
    Maybe because it is an election year my brain is stuck on “West Wing.” It has seven seasons, an interesting ensemble cast and features the character of CJ, the White House Press Secretary, a strong female character that you might appreciate.ReplyCancel

    • April 20, 2016 - 9:49 pm

      nrlowell@comcast.net - Cyn, I was a huge fan of West Wing, and have watched the entire series twice! I like almost all things Sorkin. Thanks for the suggestion.ReplyCancel

  • April 21, 2016 - 3:39 am

    Melony - That sounds like such an amazing way to spend time with your daughter! Castle is a fun show, but probably won’t have the same meaning for you. I am wracking my brain about potential replacements and the only ones I can think of are Buffy, Mad Men and The Wire. And they will have the same effect as Castle. LolReplyCancel

  • April 21, 2016 - 4:51 pm

    Marcy - That sounds really special that you can share that together, and I love the idea that you can discuss the characters’ problems as a way to talk about real life without touching upon things that your daughter wasn’t comfortable talking about. I haven’t seen the show, but I loved Parenthood. That would be a good choice if you haven’t seen it, and since Lauren Graham is one of the stars, I guess it’s a pretty obvious one. The movie it’s loosely based on is hilarious and great, too, by the way.ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2016 - 11:15 am

    Leslie Landau - Hi Nancy. I loved this piece (as I love all your pieces — I am a stalker and read them all). We also bonded with our younger son over the nightly ritual of an episode of one series after another. Some probably not a fit for you (Star Trek and TNG, Sherlock, Justified). We watched Castle too — fun but lightweight. But, ah, The West Wing. Still our favorite, and timely (timeless?).ReplyCancel

    • May 1, 2016 - 1:09 pm

      nrlowell@comcast.net - Leslie, So glad to have you as a follower (not a stalker). Many people have suggested West Wing (one of my all time faves) but one of the things that’s been great about GGs has been that neither of us have seen them before, so it’s all new to both of us. We loved Sherlock! I think, that as with GGs we’ll stumble on to something serendipitously (is that a word?) Thanks for the comment, it’s nice to know you’re out there!ReplyCancel

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