Nostalgia

Who doesn’t feel some nostalgia for times, Thanksgivings, or the America of long ago? The past can look so rosy as we reflect back on a moments. There was that summer party our family had when we festooned the trees with streamers, and the whole extended family was there, that July 4th in the early 1970’s. My memory is in the sweet whiff of nostalgia for that day, but when I replay the day, I also recall a fight my parents had later that night. Memories are tricky and fool us into believing what was is somehow preferable to what is or what could be. 

After what felt like an eternity of The Election of 2016 and Trump’s battle cry to “Make America Great Again” I am grateful it is over. The outcome has left me shocked and empty. I have lived through five-plus decades in America and the question that plagued me during this campaign was when exactly was America great(er) than it is now? I don’t think I heard anyone ask. 

It’s true life was simpler, and moved at an easier pace before the internet, as it was before the telephone. But simpler isn’t better, it’s just, well, simpler. There are plenty of things that are significantly better than ever, and things that are pretty lousy. If we want to bask in the cozy glow of what was, as we recall the soft summer breeze and a gathering of family, we must also remember the fights and the mosquitoes, my uncle getting drunk and my grandfather grabbing my sister’s friend’s ass. It all matters.

I miss spending Thanksgiving at my parents’ house in the Berkshires. There was usually snow, and the fireplace would be burning. We’d hang out for hours and catch up. We’d gather in the huge kitchen to cook and gossip.  The kids played and ran in and out of the room as we worked. I miss my parents, and as much as I miss those times, I also clearly recall the tension, and the bickering. My parents swapping barbs and the scrabble games that sometimes got downright nasty. Those times are where they belong; in the past. They aren’t any more or less great than the Thanksgivings we enjoy now as a two generation family.

I’m relieved that this election is over, and worried about how we can move forward. There are too many people clamoring to go back to a time that feels better. They are looking through the proverbial rose colored glasses. You can’t go back in time, and even if you could, what would you sacrifice in doing so? Fifty years ago life was better for some people (mainly white, upper middle class and wealthy men).  It wasn’t for most of the rest of the nation. Then as now change was happening constantly.  “The only thing constant is change.”

What is in the past often feels much sweeter than the present, but as any decent therapist will tell you, just because you feel something doesn’t make it true. All we can ever do, as we live our lives, is try to learn from the past, and resist the urge to re-create it. I’d rather strive to do better than chase some elusive notion about the way I think things used to be. Who doesn’t occasionally long for times past? Nostalgia is a rest stop for the mind, not a destination, we can reach or strive for.