I have not come close to living the life I pictured. As kids all of us play at creating a vision of the life we’ll live as adults. Mine was fairly specific and elaborate. My perfect husband, tall, tanned, muscular (my mom said I spent too much time thinking about the life guards teaching me to swim) and a rabbi. I wanted three children, and I would be a teacher. I was ten. Naturally things change, as does our image of life, and our desires. To say my life hasn’t turned out the way I pictured would be a gross understatement.
And now that I am in my mid-fifties, I find what I want, what I long for, is the life I envisioned when I was ten. I have more failed relationships behind me than I care to count, and am embarking on yet another career path, with mixed success. Where is my rabbi? The literal translation of rabbi is teacher, and in this regard I have had many, but still I struggle, I stumble, and I find myself in places I don’t belong, and isn’t belonging what all of us seek?
If you know me it will shock you to hear this, and I apologize for delivering the message in this way, but it’s time for me to come out of the particular closet I have constructed for myself, I still want that husband. Somewhere along my journey I lost sight of what I wanted, and decided that what I would settle for was someone (anyone) who wanted me. It probably won’t surprise you to learn that this wasn’t a great strategy. It landed me in two disastrous and protracted relationships, the more recent one so ruinous for me it has taken years to even consider opening my heart to anyone again.
Where have all those years gone? Have I wasted them? I learned a lot. I am a better person than I have ever been, not nearly as attractive as I was in my thirties, but finally (in the words of the brilliant Brené Brown) wholehearted. I like who I am, I am proud of the work I am doing, and greet each day with a smile, and end each day with gratitude. I am filled with love, and bring that to everything I do. My writing, my cooking, my parenting, and my friendships, all provide me with ways to express that love.
I am lucky, I have a good life, a roof over my head, enough food to eat, the most wonderful daughter I could imagine, terrific siblings, and great friends, but I am greedy, I want more. What I want is someone to cook for. Even writing this sounds so silly, so dated, and retro in the worst possible way, yet it is what I desire most, and most fundamentally. And though I really do mean cook, I mean so much more. What I want is to share a life with someone who will see me truly, and love me anyway, and someone I will see truly, and love at least as much. I want the life I planned all those years ago.
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Liz - I have also found myself far from the life I imagined and planned for myself. Like you, I am happy with myself & love the people in my life, but still feel the absence of what I want as an ache. But I do not think you have wasted the years because as you say, you like who you have become. You could not have become the you that you are today, without taking the path you took.
When it comes to your happiness, be greedy! the way I see it, life will pile sadness, heartache, and suffering on our plates whether we like it or not. May you have the opportunity to take as many helpings of happiness as you can grab. I’ll be right there with you yelling, “Damn right we deserve this – all this and more!”
nrlowell@comcast.net - Liz, Wow! Thanks for such a kind and thoughtful comment! I wish you the same 🙂
Suheiry Feliciano - Well, Liz put it way better than I ever could have. It’s wonderful that you are happy with who you’ve become. I think knowing who we are and what our priorities are makes it easier for us to identify the things we truly want out of life. It may also give us the clarity to know what is worth pursuing and how to go about it. I say, be patient but diligent and you’ll finally get the life you deserve. Best wishes!
Shailaja/ The Moving Quill - This is so beautifully said. I understand what you mean by saying you want more. More happiness, more love, more joy. Isn’t that what it means to be human? More power to you and I hope you find what you’re looking for.
soapie - i like how you write it, ‘someone to cook for.’ it’s creative, and carries so much depth. well written.
i hope that you find the love that you are looking for…!
nrlowell@comcast.net - Thanks Soapie!
Laura Ashley Koeneman - I think we all feel this way from time to time – looking back at what we expected versus where we are.
Laura Ashley Koeneman - I think we all feel this way from time to time – looking back at what we expected versus where we are.
Kathy S Combs - I think everyone wants the fairy tale…at least what they envision it to be which is in their minds blissful happiness. Not a thing wrong with that! ♥