Procrastination is Fear

The other day I was listening to an interview with Rachel Bloom who said “procrastination is fear” and I haven’t been able to get the phrase out of my mind. I am a serious procrastinator. I can do all sorts of things to avoid doing something. Occasionally I’m aware what I’m doing is avoiding something uncomfortable. Other times I chalk it up to wasting time. I rarely admit to myself, or anyone else that fear is at the bottom of that avoidance.

Fear nags at all of us sometimes, and lately, at me—a lot. I was already feeling shaky, and the election has pushed me into a cycle of procrastination fueled by fear. My intention was to write a post daily in November, and I’ve been struggling getting, or rather not getting that done. If it’s on my list, it can wait until tomorrow is my motto this month. Though I’m not sure what will shake me out of my rut, facing the fear behind it should help. Though that may sound flip, I don’t mean it that way. Facing the fears that are holding me back is something I’ve perfected avoiding. Why should this time be any different?

For starters, because no matter what I’m afraid of, or what I’m avoiding, I know that facing those things is better than spending a day screwing around and playing so many games of solitaire I see the screen when I close my eyes. I know moving forward is better than feeling stuck. I have said to my daughter (and myself) that whatever we’re afraid of is worse in our heads and better when we talk about it. Writing it down is a start. Should I make a list? I feel as of once I start writing that list it will be endless, but a more realistic guess is that the list will have five or six things on it. 

Yesterday was my first True Happiness class. I’m realistic enough to understand that one class isn’t enough to get me to face everything I’m avoiding. Going took some effort but it was my only obligation today, and obligations are one of the enemies/remedies to procrastination. Once there I felt my entire being exhale. It was a full hour of not thinking about my problems, Trump, or my fears. I relaxed into the kindness of the moment, and being in the present literally felt like a gift.

After class I stepped back into the night, into reality, refreshed. Aware that no matter what is happening in the world, my happiness won’t make things worse. Maybe I can face today prepared to take on my fears, one at a time. Being stuck, sad. afraid or depressed doesn’t help me or anyone else. After a hellish week I think I’m ready to embrace a better outlook because the world needs all of us to be present, brave and happy, and stop procrastinating.