Half a Cup of Blackberries

Chef’s Last Diet?

Half a cup of blackberries is the highlight of my day. They are just sweet enough, just juicy enough, and they are the treat I look forward to daily. Sometimes I have them between breakfast and lunch, other days they are my last bite of the day. If I am feeling particularly decadent I dip them in some mascarpone cheese.

After swearing off diets right here, years ago, in October, following a stern warning from my doctor I decided I needed to lose weight. Like almost every woman I know, I am an expert on weight loss. I know every diet out there and have tried most of them with varying degrees of success. It was time to reach into those mental archives and choose one I could live with. And I have for six months.

Ask anyone who has ever dieted, embraced a new ‘eating lifestyle’ or even endured a week of bad stomach flu what they fear most, and the answer is undoubtedly gaining back that lost weight. We all know deep down, that weight isn’t lost at all, it’s waiting in a dark corner, and any and every food indulgence we commit lures two or three-pounds out of the darkness and back onto our asses, hips, and bellies.

Stuck on Repeat

My days (probably like yours) run together and time seems to expand and contract as if I’ve gone through Alice’s Looking Glass. You might (logically) assume that I would occupy myself, like many people stuck at home, with baking, or cooking but I haven’t allowed myself this pleasure. What I am longing to cook is not what I should eat. The days are mostly the same as each other as are the hours of the day. My meals, like my days, are essentially stuck on repeat.

I worry that I am so lazy and self-indulgent that if I give in to my own worst impulses I will do nothing but watch movies and eat fried food. I understand there are people who enjoy exercise and salads, but I am not one of them. I have spent the last six months working very hard to lose 30 lbs, and I am terrified that being home for months will not only stop but undo this effort.

The Safety of Routine

We’ve all been unceremoniously hurled from our routines. Even those working from home, juggling home-schooling with work projects are doing so only half-dressed. Freed from external obligations and proper pants we spend too much time doing other stuff. Stuff that distracts us from what’s going on out there, and maybe even what’s going on in here (whether in here is your house or your head). We are children set loose in a candy store of our own design. I am in dangerous waters.

As much as I disliked it, my routine kept me on track and focused. There were problems to solve, projects to complete and lunch was a brief, predictable punctuation I didn’t have time to fantasize about. By the time I got home for dinner, I was too exhausted to care about which of the five meals I’d pre-made I was going to eat. I kept my appetites locked in a drawer labeled routine.

Now I have time to dream. Those dreams aren’t limited to food, but food is definitely on the menu… As we navigate these days of confinement and sameness we need something to look forward to. For you that may be a glass (or three) of wine, a run along the river, or a book, for me it’s a half cup of blackberries I rely on to sustain me.