That New Car Smell

I’m not a fan

I hear there are people who love that new car smell so much they buy air freshener that mimics it. I’m not a fan. Nevertheless, back in the time before, I was planning to buy a new car. It’s been quite a while since I dared to consider such a purchase, but way back in February it seemed like this year I could do it.

My 2013 Volkswagen is in decent shape with low mileage. I made the last payment in February. I planned to give it to my daughter who is entering her junior year in college. Her school is close enough that flying seems a wild extravagance, but the six-hour drive is miserable and makes a one-day round trip more than I can manage, necessitating an overnight hotel stay.

Woman plans, God laughs

That was all before Covid_19, my seemingly indefinite unemployment, and last week’s twin disasters of having to replace both my furnace and hot water heater happened. So far I have been able to continue to pay my bills thanks to the federal supplement to my (meager) state unemployment. Because I never go anywhere or do anything I even managed to squirrel away some extra money to tide me over if I don’t go back to work in August when that subsidy expires. 

Managing my money is not one of my strengths. I’m actually terrible at it, really terrible. Yet, somehow I’d saved enough to get me through another few months and make a down payment on a car. That lasted five minutes.

I don’t believe in luck, either good or bad. I do, however, believe in the laws of probability and the odds were that after nine years in this house things were bound to start falling apart. They have, with a vengeance.

Do it yourself

Though I’m not especially handy, I’m willing to give most projects a shot. A few years ago I replaced the circuit for my ice maker, and last month my daughter and I replaced a part in our dishwasher. I’m suddenly aware that every appliance we own is a ticking time bomb. 

There are some projects that simply aren’t in my DIY wheelhouse, like replacing furnaces and water heaters. Suddenly I’m living in the money pit. Every other day I remove a sheet of ice from the bottom of my freezer, the ice dispenser stopped dispensing ice, and the washing machine sometimes fails to perform its final spin. The odds and time are stacking up against me. 

What’s the worst that can happen?

Right before I opened my diner a friend, concerned about my anxiety, asked “What’s the worst that can happen?” “Someone could get food poisoning and die.” This is not a question anyone should ask me, nor one I should ask myself. I can pinpoint in great, and horrific detail the worst possible scenario. I have generously passed this skill along to my daughter. 

Obviously not getting a new car isn’t the worst thing that could happen. My car runs fine and sports four new tires and a new battery. I don’t need a new car, but I wanted to give my daughter some autonomy and me, well, a new car! It felt good to be able to do it.

But, what if I don’t go back to work in August? What if I don’t go back for months? Most of the money I’d saved is spent. Dwelling on that can set off a panic that forecasts catastrophe. It is a short mental walk from knowing I can manage because I have a support system to what-ifs that defy reason, but not emotion.

New car smell

My ability to buy a new car was symbolic of me finally getting my life in control. It meant I could do this thing for my daughter and manage the things normal working people manage. I would finally be the responsible person I long to be, and not everyone’s poor friend they generously treat to meals when we go out. It brought me one more step away from the mindset of scarcity I’ve struggled with for years. 

The smell of a new furnace isn’t the same as the smell of a new car. For me, that new car smell symbolized the smell of abundance and fiscal stability. I have spent most of my life waiting to feel like a real grown-up, and for reasons I still haven’t plumbed I never have. Maybe next year, if the worst doesn’t happen.