The End of My Summer Vacation

Summer isn’t quite over

When I was a kid the first day back at school meant a ‘how I spent my summer vacation’ essay. I doubt that any of those essays delved into either the physical changes and emotional growth that we experienced over those summer months. That was the real story that none of us had the wherewithal or vocabulary to tell. 

Though we still have August, and my ‘vacation’ started in March, not June, my extended time off is drawing to an end, so for me, summer vacation is too. I have heard from my boss that I report to work next week. My feelings about going back are mixed, but my choices aren’t; I must return.

The vacation that didn’t happen

My vacation plan to go to Boulder with my daughter was canceled. Pretty much everything was canceled. No movies, trips to the beach, or travel beyond my weekly grocery trips happened. And yet, looking back on the last few months, aside from all the death and destruction happening outside my door, inside, I’ve had the opportunity for the kind of physical and emotional growth I haven’t experienced since childhood.

This furlough offered me something I haven’t had in years, time. Prior to this, anytime I went this long without working I was actively frantically looking for a job which is very hard work. Though my time has hardly been stress-free, I had no external pressures, no deadlines, and no reason to wear anything other than comfortable clothes. 

Time is a gift

All this time has been a gift, and I tried not to squander it. I did the things I say I never have time to do and hope I can keep doing once I return to work. Six days a week I worked out at my house. It’s been a long time since I managed that kind of disciplined exercise, and though most people wouldn’t be, I was amazed how quickly I was able to improve my fitness. I feel great.

The room I use for my workouts is the room where my cat box is. And please, cat people, don’t reprimand me, but my box cleaning habits were never very good, and that room had a smell that drifted into the hallway and hit me as I walked in my front door. By attending to the box daily, the smell is gone. I assume the cats are happier, and I can dispatch the task quickly. Life is full of surprises!

Reading and writing

Having time to read and write has been the greatest luxury of all. Each day I read the news while lingering in bed. I read books, magazine articles, and other people’s blogs. I had forgotten what a pleasure reading is. Having time to write meant time to reflect and consider what stories were worth telling. That time allowed me to write, walk away, and come back to my work; time to reflect.

Soon I will return to a job that not only takes up most of my time, it takes my energy too. As much as I want to continue the good practices I’ve cultivated over the last few months I’m not confident that’s realistic. I have visceral memories of arriving home on Friday nights so exhausted I could barely decide if I wanted to eat dinner or go straight to bed. 

New normal, old normal

My lovely new normal is about to be obliterated by my old normal. I wish I had a job I loved, that satisfied and challenged me, but I don’t. As I face the reality of returning to a thankless and dull workplace I want to reimagine it. I want to bring my de-stressed self back to work and seek a way to find some meaning there. 

When I was a kid summer vacation meant I was shipped off to sleep-away camp. I’d start the month feeling awkward and out of place. I was homesick and miserable. Once I got the hang of it I’d get involved in everything camp had to offer. By month’s end, at the final campfire, I’d be sobbing about leaving. 

I’m not sobbing now, but I feel sad for my version of camp to be over. Part of what makes summer vacation so special is its ephemeral nature. What I did on my summer vacation was take time to sit still, to run, think, read, write, and maybe grow a little.