Dear Melania

Dear Melania,

I’m pretty sure the last week has been pretty tough on you, and I thought I‘d write and say I know what you’re going through. I spent ten years living with a narcissist, and they are never worse than when they feel backed up against a wall. I imagine as Donald’s wife he expects you to be the receptacle of his emotions, particularly the ones he can’t deal with like embarrassment and shame.

It’s obvious from looking at him that he’s not sleeping, and fatigue isn’t making him any nicer. His anger is visible and he is probably taking that out on you. He’s probably blaming you for any and everything that unsettles him. Although you probably have lots of servants around to make sure he never loses his keys (if he even carries something like keys) and the foods he likes are readily available, there are unavoidable things like weather, colds, and health—the sniffles perhaps, that could make him angry.

You’re probably accustomed to being blamed for all kinds of things you can’t control. Living with a narcissist is like that. Anything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault, and lately lots has been going wrong for Donald. I’m sure he hasn’t expressed any concern about how this latest week of disaster is impacting you, or if you were hurt by his reprehensible behavior and words. He has no interest in how you feel, as long as you prop him up, and absorb whatever anger he directs at you.

Melania, I doubt when you married him you understood what you were getting into. Narcissists are often charming and I’m sure Donald swept you off your feet with gifts and attention. It must have made him feel almost whole to have someone as beautiful as you return his attention. And he chose you, I’m sure he could have (and did) choose any number of women, and it probably never crossed your mind to wonder why. As a beautiful woman I’m sure you thought it was your beauty that attracted him.

Narcissists do love to be around beauty, but you have some other qualities that drew him to you. You are probably not quite as smart as he is, he would like that. He’d also like if you let him take charge, and if you were empathetic to the hurts and slights he endured from other people. It is that empathy that he was really drawn to. Did you both agree to an (unspoken) emotional arrangement in which everything that goes wrong in your shared life is your doing? I bet you did.

You probably thought he was like a sweet, hurt little boy for a while, but I doubt you still feel that way. By now you’re probably wondering if the wealth and lavish lifestyle are worth all the emotional abuse you face daily. You probably wonder about your son, and if it would hurt him to lose his father. You’re probably also worried that Barron will turn out like his father. You would know by now.

Anyway, I doubt anyone around you is offering you any concern or support. You’re probably emotionally numb from the insanity of the past year, if not from the eleven years you’ve been married to him. People like Donald are emotionally powerful, and can drive even someone with a strong ego to self-doubt and self-recrimination, as I said before, it’s all your fault. It is exhausting to live with someone who needs constant reassurance while they belittle you regularly.

It may not help you to hear he can’t help it, but he can’t. I don’t say that to excuse him, but to remind you that he is broken in ways that nothing can fix, not even becoming President of the United States of America. I can’t imagine you are happy married to him, but we all make decisions to stay in marriages for personal reasons. All I would offer you is that it will never get better. When this election is over, and he has to deal with having lost or the responsibility of winning it will get much worse. He will make everyone pay for things that have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with all the idiots and losers surrounding him. He will make them all pay, and I hope you are prepared for the coming storm.

You can’t leave him; you can never leave a narcissist without paying a heavy price, and I’m sure with a man as powerful as Donald your life would be more of a misery than it is now.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about you, and wanted to let you know that I empathize with you, and hope one day soon Donald grows tired of you, finds someone new and sets you free.